Name: Heather Mills-McCartney
Profession: 80's Model, Peta Freak, Anti-Fur activist
HomeTown: Aldershot, Hampshire, England
Had I been writing this column in the late 60's Yoko Ono would be featured here rather then our next guest. But Alas dear readers times have changed. We trade the Beatle's ruining "Performance artist" who sounds like a Cat in a microwave with a McCartney fleecing, Has-been mono-pedal Model. Please Welcome Heather Mills to Women Who Desperately need a spanking.
Ms Mills was thrust upon the us in 2000. While she enjoyed some success as a model in the 80's it is likely you as I cannot remember her. Meeting Sir Paul in 2000 just days before her wedding to some other poor slob that was close to loosing half his f ortune. I kind of wanted to like this woman. Overcoming insurmountable odds, Her mother leaving her at 9, Her father incarcerated a few years later, she went on to become a mediocre model during the Big Hair 80's. But this was not to last, in 1993 in a accident with a police motorcycle she ended up losing her leg right below the knee. Tough Chick, too bad she turned out to be a gold digger.
It takes quite a while to get over your former spouse of 29 years. Linda McCartney sadly died two years earlier in 1998. I would hazard a guess that Mr McCartney probably wasn't over his beloved. After a whirlwind affair, Sir Paul married our hopping hussy in 2002 in a wedding that only a former Beatle could afford.
It must be quite a shock from going from a average former model to the wife of a billionaire and a member of one of the most famous bands of all time. The money, clothes, surgery. One could only speculate. But the life of a stars wife is not all that it is cracked up to be. The UK tabloids took quite a dislike to the New Mrs McCartney. Due to Ms Mills somewhat rough and tumble background the UK press had quite a bit of Fodder.
The pinnacle of all this was in early 2006 a tabloid uncovered a shoot Ms Mills did when she was 19 which contained "Simulated sex" or in America we call it softporn. Now, dear readers. I have no problem with this. She did what she had to do to make it in the modeling business. At 19 and uneducated she really didn't have alot of options. How many women out there has done something stupid at 19? Think for a minute did you date/marry a vestal virgin? How many Blow-jobs do you think your wife or girlfriend given other men before she met you?
Why she needs a Spanking.
So you ask, "Brush, if she is such a sympathetic person, why does she need a spanking?" Well dear readers there is a fine line in our modern society with what we fairly deserve and what our lawyers tell us what we can get.
In 2006 our one legged love affair was over and Sir Paul and Ms Mills filed for divorce. Now Mr McCartney is worth at minimum 1.5 Billion Pounds Sterling. She was Married to him for 4 years and bore him a child. Under UK law, She literally could walk into court with a needle sticking out of her vein and a tee-shirt bearing the message "I FUCKED PETE BEST" and still walk away with more money then an average person can spend in a lifetime. So why drag the man though the mud?
But Perhaps greed took over or the overwhelming need to give large amounts of money to keep very cold people from beating cute fuzzy seals to death with clubs that look remarkably like her artificial leg. Heather decided to go for scorched earth and accuse Sir Paul of many reprehensible things.
Mr McCartney was married to the same woman for 29 years and probably could have banged at least 2/3's of the females on this planet. I can promise you that Paul is not an angel, But rest assured it is incredibly unlikely he is a wife beater as Ms Mills accuses. She also accuses him of coming home DRUNK! Imagine THE HORROR!!
She bore his child, Sir Paul will have to pay, I think perhaps a 5 million lump sum and 1$ million per year until the child is 21. is perhaps fair. You think you can live on that? instead Ms Mills decided to go for broke asking for 80 MILLION POUND, which depending on the day is about $112 Million US. Lets see that would be $28MM per year of marriage. Does that seem fair to you? I would think not.
Suggested Implement: Tawse
Suggested Position: Naked across a horse (she can keep her leg on)
Suggested Spanker: Ringo Starr
Suggested punishment: 10 Strokes of the Tawse, Once a day until she settles lawsuit for reasonable amount