Name: Tara Elizabeth Conner
Profession: Miss USA, Dumb Hick, Lesbian wanna be.
DOB: December 18, 1985
Hometown: Russell Springs, KY
The south is kind of a mystery to the rest of us in the USofA. Perhaps it was the the civil war, perhaps it is the fact that most of us don't usually want to sleep with our siblings. What I can be certain about is that most of us really don't understand our Southern Brethren's affinity with Beauty Pageants. I mean if it were up to any red blooded American male, we would probably opt for a simple bikini mud wrestle championship winner takes all.
I don't see such an extravaganza shown on any of the major networks anytime soon. so in light of the goings on in the Beauty pageant world this week. I ask you to welcome our next guest to Girls that desperately need a spanking. Reigning Miss USA (as long as she passes rehab). Tara Elizabeth Conner.
A former Miss Teen winner and a Kentucky native from the thriving metropolis Russell springs (pop 2300). Ms Conner reached the national stage in April 2006 upon winning the Miss USA contest Now dear readers honestly I had no idea there was a different "division" of beauty pageants other then Miss America which thankfully was canceled in 2005. In my research into this column, I found the reason why I was not aware. Since 1985 more then half of the reigning queens were from Dixieland. A place that most of us try to ignore.
NYC is a dangerous place for 20 year olds who grow up in the back woods of KY. Now dear readers don't for one second think I am dumping on the Kentuckians. I am sure any any of them can kick our asses in banjo dueling and "100 yard get away from your brother dash". What a surprise this celebration of trailer trash is financed by Mr Donald Trump. Where else will he get his future wives and enough human hair to upkeep that poor weave.
Why She Needs a Spanking:
Well dear friend, if there is a moral to this story it is you simply don't dump a simple country girl into the Mecca that is NYC. She is simply not equipped to deal with any of us. Upon arriving, she has apparently taken lessons from Paris Hilton and company, Underage drinking (can you imagine and in NYC!) Frequenting the club Scene, tongue kissing Ms Teen USA and generally behaving badly. This would generally be normal behavior for a NYU student. But since Ms Conner is represents, well…., I am not sure what she represents. but she is apparently held to a higher standard.
Rule #1 in the big city even after a take no prisoners night of drinking you always make it to work the next day. Dear readers, I can promise you my jobs have entailed much more then looking awesome in as little clothing as possible. The Donald of course did not explain this to our misguided child. Apparently 0n the rebound from dumping her high school sweetheart 30 seconds after she hit the big time our simple girl went on a rampage accross the NYC social scene.
Rumored to loose her title and be sent back to the shithole from whence she came. The Donald took pity and gave our little implanted Isis a second chance. This is conditional on her passing rehab. This is actually a good thing for Miss Conner since she will meet quite a few of NYC social elite while she dries out.
Suggested Implement: Razor Strap (A Kentucky original)
Suggested Position: Behind the Woodshed, grabbing her ankles
Suggested Spanker: Rosie O'Donnell
Suggested punishment: 25 whacks with the strap,
Corrective behavior Go back to Kentucky, Marry brother, Have chainsaw wielding offspring kill Donald Trump.