Name: Lindsay Morgan Lohan
Profession: Former Disney teen queen, Actress, Pantyphobic, Nasty Drunk, Annoying Party Girl
Home Town: Merrick, NY
I came to the conclusion long ago that the putrid sludge I pump out of my septic tank each fall more or less describes the state of our popular culture. But dear readers between OJ's book and our next guest on Women who Desperately need a Spanking, even I didn't think it could sink so low.
Once again we have Disney to blame for bringing us Ms Lohan. She hit the scene in in 1998 with the Disney remake of The Parent Trap at the age of 12. We watched this tween queen over the years blossom into the trashy strumpet that she now is.
Dear readers, To understand poor Lindsay you must first understand where she grew up. You see, when people see that you are a NY'er they immediately think of the center of the world, Manhattan. But for those not familiar with the Northeast Region of the the US, there are actually 3 New York's with very little in common with each other. The First NY is the true NY, Manhattan, Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens and yes even Staten Island. Included in this is many of its northern suburbs that mingle effortlessly with the outer fringes of the Bronx. The second NY begins about an hour and a half north of Manhattan. Pass this imaginary line you begin to see people with no teeth and odd looking teenagers sitting on an overpass playing the Banjo. Dotted accross this vast wasteland are "cities" that if your fortunate dear reader you will never have a reason to visit.
Long Island is the last NY, and this my friends is where our lovely firecrotch is from. Long Island is an odd place. To an outsider the northern reaches may look no different from Queens Proper. But let me promise you we are worlds away. The first thing you need to know about Long Islanders, is that they never want to leave Long Island….ever, for any reason. Now this could be from the perpetual traffic jam on this lovely piece of earth. But the consensus among most of us is that Long Islanders are simply unaware of the existence of a world across the Sound. I mean they obviously know its there, but they think of the rest of the US much like you and I would think of say, Canada. We know of its existence, We know its probably important for some reason (though why escapes us) and every once and a while we see something on the TV about it and promptly forget it 15 minutes later.
Because of its cultural isolation, Long Island has developed its own dialect and customs. Sentences are not spoken they are whined. the longer the whining the more emphasis on the though they are trying to put accross. Any mode of conveyance must have tinted windows and shiny rims. Finally, Big Hair. Really big hair. But I digress.
Why She needs a Spanking
Lindsay never had it easy, Her father living up to his Irish cultural heritage is prone to drinking, fighting and subsequently spending alot of time in the drunk tank. While she appeared to have a comfortable childhood, on LI money is somewhat meaningless. Everyone is packed in so tight, one side of the street very easily can be a "excellent" neighborhood with $1MM+ houses while the other side is a slum.
But Irish and Long Island is indeed a dangerous mixture. Coupled with her love for drinking and diva fighting Longislanders are obsessed with clubs. They will wait for hours to get into a "hot" club. In fact the whole social status is based upon what clubs one does and doesn't get into. Club hopping is of course what Lindsay excels at. Her late night partying is legendary, apparently so legendary that it interferes with her day job. In fact, A studio executive on her last movie fired off a particularly nasty letter to Lohan for her consistent tardiness and absence from the set
"You and your representatives have told us that your various late arrivals and absences from the set have been the result of illness; today we were told it was heat exhaustion.' We are well aware that your ongoing all night heavy partying is the real reason for your so-called 'exhaustion"
This is of course a studio executive, As long as she consistently makes money for them they will suck it up. But when Someone like William H Macy who has been acting longer then you have been alive says your behavior is unacceptable and disrespectful, you might have a problem.
Aside from her somewhat skewed work ethic, It seems that Ms Lohan's sandbox is too small for the other big headed diva's reportedly almost coming to blows with fellow slut Paris Hilton. Odd considering they both have a unnatural aversion to underwear and made the Hollywood top 10 of women most likely to give you the clap.
Offences: Showing up for work late, Not showing up at all, Poor behavior in public, sleeping around, not wearing underwear
Suggested Implement: Hand
Suggested Spanker: William H Macy
Suggested Position: OTK
Suggested Punishment: 5 minute hard spanking followed by being grounded for a month, in by 8pm on weeknights, violation of any results in more spankings