Name: Michele Marie Amble Bachmann
Profession: US Congress Woman, Fundamentalist Fool, Complete Idiot, Cold
DOB: April 6 1956
Hometown: Stillwater, Minnesota
You Know Dear Reader, unlike my vile for the flyover and southern states, I kind of like Minnesota. Although it is indeed a frozen tundra most of the year the people have a charm about them that appeals to your Humble Narrator. They have an independent streak that someone like myself must admire for having the balls to elect Jesse Ventura not once but twice and of course Al Franken.
But I suppose the extreme cold drives people a little nutty. I once visited Duluth in the middle of January where it was 40 below without the wind chill. In my quest to sample the natives I found that the girls did not care what kind of car one drove but the snowmobile one had. Quite a utilitarian way of thinking if you ask me since without one, one would surely starve in the land of ice and snow.
So it puzzles me why indeed they continue to elect our next guest on Women who Desperately need a spanking, the crackpot Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.
While the Republicans self destruction began way back in 2001 it really didn’t become apparent how generally crazy their members had become until 2006. The USA coming to its collective senses realized that perhaps one should not vote for people more concerned in keeping someone in a vegetative state alive while we happily kill thousands in a war that their then Commander and Chief didn’t even have the sense to cover up his thinly veiled reason for war. But our Crazy Christian Conservative bucked that trend, backed by the craziest Christian of them all James Dobson and won her a seat in the people chamber and thus our fun began.
Now perhaps our Minnesota friends could be blamed a bit. After all she belonged to a church which believed that the Catholic Pope was the Anti-Christ, Ran a school that banned Disney movies for promoting witchcraft and asserted That God called her to run for congress after fasting. Now typically making decisions like that rather lightheaded is indeed a bad idea. And it was, for the rest of us since Bouncing Bachman is indeed becoming a powerful force in the lunatic Party.
Wasting no time she busied herself with the all important matter of trying to roll back the government’s phase out of incandescent bulbs, arguing passionately about government intrusion into our ability to make light. Now given CFL’s are not the best source of illumination in the world, But they do indeed make light quite well which of course is its main purpose and saves Your Humble Narrator from teetering precariously on a ladder every 30 days to change a bulb since no one seems capably of turning out a light! But I digress.
Should that be all her transgressions she perhaps would be on my new blog The Illumination Spot. But she quickly explained to us that the USA is indeed a Christian Nation and thus it should be run like one. Telling us Abortion is Murder yet some how opposing teaching people how to use those little rubber things one puts on ones unmentionables to avoid the need for one in the first place and opposing vehemently Gay Marriage which would increase the pool of adoptive parents to adopt all those unwanted babies.
Once those babies grow up they of course need education which apparently she opposes as well voting against increasing the pathetic Pell Grants that the government provides to those who need it to attend college. Which of course suggests that she is for lots of dumb children that no one wants! But then again that is about par for conservative Christians. How on earth are they going to convince them that the world started 6000 years ago if they are educated!
But our fundamentalist fool came into her own during our 2008 election and beyond. Not content to be the laughing stock of Minnesota decided that the national stage would indeed be better suited for her type of crazy. It started with her stating on national television that a man who has received his education, fame, wealth and opportunity due to the American system was indeed no doubt in her mind anti-American and suggested congress should be purged of those who held such beliefs!
Now she of course is a quite educated woman graduating with her Law Degree from Oral Roberts University which bans interracial Dating. Apparently the law school missed that whole Civil Rights thing back in the 60’s. She also apparently missed their history classes since at various times she stated that the Constitution and the Bill of rights were signed on the same day, maximum Tax Bracket in 1950 was only 5% (really 84%) and various causes of the Great Depression.
But we do not expect our elected representatives to know such arcane facts, we of course want the basics. But with simple counting she indeed has trouble with as well. Quite the outspoken opponent of the census she has at various conspiracy theories about our 10 year person count.
In closing, being the unabashed liberal I am, one can assume that I take glee in the destruction of our party of nuts. But that is indeed not the case. In order for true democracy to work one needs reasonable opposition to the party of power else the government gets quickly corrupt and ineffective. Having a bunch of nitwits like our fine Michele here is indeed not reasonable opposition
Suggested Implement: Paddle with the constitution written on it, perhaps she will read it
Suggested Position: Pants down bent over the podium in congressional Chambers. Preferably on CSPAN
Suggested Spanker: Al Franken (Obama was too busy playing golf)
Suggested punishment: One for every time she mentioned “Death Panels”
Corrective Action: Learn History, Fill out census, get Tea Bagged.